


Back to Life

by kronette



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Back to Earth, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-23
Updated: 2011-07-23
Packaged: 2017-10-30 03:37:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/327321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kronette/pseuds/kronette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I wrote this after seeing <i>Back to Earth</i> for the first time a few months ago. It’s not quite set in that space, though. The lads are the same age but then it goes on a complete AU walkabout from BtE. Holly is back on <i>Red Dwarf</i>, too!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Back to Life

Arnold couldn’t deny it any longer; Lister was getting old.

Not ancient, decrepit, one-foot-in-the-grave old, but still. Arnold’s holographic self aged a fraction that of humans, to not make it so obvious that Lister was aging and he wasn’t. But the gap between their perceived ages was getting noticeable and Arnold felt…odd about that.

He should be dancing for joy as the youngest-looking of their lot. He should be rubbing Lister’s nose in it on a daily – no, hourly – no, _secondly_ \- basis. He should be getting under the Cat’s skin with digs at the creature’s vanity.

He found himself unable to even mention it as he noticed the deepening wrinkles at the corners of Lister’s eyes. He would have called them laugh lines, if Lister had laughed in the past two years. He couldn’t recall and told himself he didn’t have the energy needed to search his memory databanks. The fact that he didn’t know off-hand said enough.

Ignoring the book in his hands, he covertly watched Lister climb onto the top bunk and settle down with a slight sigh. There really was no need for Lister to maintain the top bunk, but a new Ice Age on Io would come and go before Arnold mentioned it ever again.

\---- flashback ---

“Lister, be sensible,” he tried to reason with the ignorant goit. He crossed his arms indignantly as he watched Lister try to leap from the third rung onto the top bunk.

“I’m being sensible, seeing as the top bunk was mine, is mine, and will continue to be mine for as long as I’m breathing,” Lister snapped, then let out an, “Oof,” as his body landed on the thin mattress of the upper bunk. Lister turned to him with eyes flashing and breaths coming harder than the exertion should have needed. “The bottom bunk is yours. If you don’t want it anymore, then find another.” A few pillow punches later, Lister turned his back on Arnold and pretended to go to sleep.

Arnold let out an aggrieved sigh. “I was only pointing out the obvious. You’re not getting any younger, Lister, and making the unnecessary climb onto the top bunk is tempting fate. One of these days you’ll fall to your death and then where will you be? Hm?” he jeered. “Dead, that’s where.”

Satisfied that he’d gotten Lister’s attention, he stood up straighter as Lister rolled over and fixed him with a glare. “Get out of me room. Don’t bother with your stuff,” Lister stated flatly.

“You can’t throw me out!” Arnold spluttered. “These quarters were assigned to us both!”

“Everyone who’s ever cared about rules and regulations is dead, including you, Rimmer,” Lister announced with that quiet, even tone. “Now get out before I chuck your light-bee out the airlock and erase your pathetic existence from the databanks. Clear?”

Arnold felt his mouth open and close a few times, but was unable to think of a suitable reply. This felt different, like Lister really meant it. Like he really would erase Arnold’s existence from existence over a petty argument. One of thousands of petty arguments they’d had over the years, pre- and post-death for Arnold, but the tone Lister used…it was defeated. Like he just couldn’t face it any more.

Suddenly, Arnold knew exactly how Lister felt.

Without a word, he turned smartly on his heel and left their – Lister’s – quarters.

\---- end flashback ---

Arnold hadn’t known quite know what to do, then. Sure, he’d had all of _Red Dwarf_ to choose new quarters, but after seventeen years, you got used to a person, even a Lister-imitation of a real person. He hadn’t wanted another bunk; he’d wanted to continue their not-quite-civil banter. He’d chosen quarters one deck up to give Lister the illusion of privacy.

It was better, now. At least he was allowed back in ‘their’ quarters after a few months of polite silence and avoidance. Those few months were trying for Arnold. He could tell they were for Lister as well; the lines around Lister’s mouth were tighter, perhaps a bit deeper, and the light had all but gone out of Lister’s eyes. Once so flirty and defiant, now they just looked…flat.

Arnold wrinkled his nose. Flirty? Maybe the silence had gotten to him, too, though he’d never admit it under the teeniest threat of – oh, the smeg with it. He rubbed at the ‘H’ on his forehead. He’d blab good and all the second he’d been captured, and everyone who ever met him knew it. He was getting exceedingly tired of lying to himself. But that was a matter for another day.

He had the problem of Lister’s aging and being alone in the universe to dwell on. Truth be told, Arnold had little options: find a wormhole to another dimension and hope it was friendly and full of humans, come across a device that allowed travel to other dimensions, or contact the one being he knew who had successfully jumped between dimensions. As only the last option gave him anything to _do_ , he set about learning all he could about the multiverse.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

He stared at the figures, commanding them to make sense, but they stubbornly refused. Arnold let out a sharp breath through his nose. It was pointless: he had no idea how to interpret the calculations in sending a message across dimensions, and he wasn’t about to go asking the toilet clean—in asking Kryten. He may be tired of lying to himself, but he wasn’t ready to know what the others truly thought of him. Asking for help now, after all he’d done and said and not done…no. He’d rather continue to be thought of as ignorant, stupid, incompetent, cowardly, weasely…

His gaze drifted to the figures that threatened and promised everything. With another sigh, he punched the button that would recall Kryten to the communications center.

“Mr. Rimmer, sir? Are you feeling well?” the mechanoid fussed.

He batted away Kryten’s inspecting hands in annoyance. “I’m fine, Kryten. It’s Lister I’m worried about. Surely you’ve noticed the changes in his behavior?”

He could practically see Kryten engaging his lie mode. “I’m sure I don’t know what you mean, Mr. Rimmer, sir. Mr. Lister is as perfect as the day I met him.”

“Kryten,” Arnold interrupted softly, “Even you don’t believe that.”

The mechanoid’s face fell. “Lie mode disengaged. I am worried about Mr. Lister, but what can I do? I can only starch his underwear so much and it’s like it’s not enough any more.”

Sensing Kryten was about to start on a hysterical rant about Lister, he outlined his plan. “Kryten, if I can contact Ace, I’ll convince him to take us to another dimension where the human race still exists. Lister can have celebrations and friends and drinking buddies; all the things he used to have. He won’t have to die alone; the last human being.”

He knew he’d said too much before he’d even finished. He covered his face with his hand as Kryten’s wail of despair escalated quickly to a piercing pitch. “Mr. Lister is going to die. It’s the _Nova 5_ all over again.”

“Pull yourself together!” Arnold barked as he removed his hand and glared. “Of course Lister is going to die. That’s the fate of all humans. But we can make the rest of his life better. We can make him happy again.”

He become aware of his poorly chosen words when Kryten wailed, “He’s not happy?”

He fought back the urge to slap the mechanoid silly while tamping down his own dejection at having failed Lister. “No, Kryten, he’s not. He hasn’t been happy in years. But we can give him something that will make it better. If I can contact Ace and get him to agree. Will you help me?”

Kryten sniffled a bit more, but at least the wailing had stopped. “If we succeed, perhaps I should talk to Mr. Ace, Mr. Rimmer, sir. He seemed affable to me.”

Arnold’s tone was dark, drawing a concerned look from Kryten. “No, Kryten, I intend to talk to Ace, myself.” He had a few choice words for his adventurer other self.

=-=-=-=-=-=

“Are you sure the signal went out?” Arnold asked for the tenth time. Perhaps it was the eleventh. Who was counting?

“For the seventy-first time, sir, the signal went out,” Kryten replied as he inspected the readouts. “It has to travel across dimensional space. There are no known calculations to predict how long it will take the signal to reach the exact dimension that Ace is currently occupying. And, there are no known calculations to predict how long it will be once he receives the signal, locates our dimension and exact coordinates, executes a dimension jump and arrives at our exact point in space, in our exact time. It just isn’t possible.”

An alarm klaxon went off, startling them both. “What is that? Is that a ship?” Arnold exclaimed, pointing to a distortion in space off the port bow.

“I believe so,” Kryten answered as he tapped a multitude of keys on the console. “It’s materializing.”

As Arnold watched Ace’s ship shimmer into their dimension, some clutching thing released in his chest and he breathed out. “Excellent. Have him dock in Landing Bay 4.”

“But sir, we don’t have a Landing Bay 4,” Kryten called after him, but Arnold was off to the landing bays to meet his counterpart.

Ace landed in Landing Bay 1, which made sense since they weren’t exactly expecting a huge influx of passengers, but still annoyed Arnold. Everything about Ace had annoyed him at one time. The bravado, sexual prowess, impeccable hair, swarthy good looks – nothing like him at all. Yet over the years, Arnold had begun to suspect he did carry some of Ace’s genes, to a small degree. He wasn’t the total self-absorbed, cowering, simpering, gimboid he used to be.

Seeing Ace again brought it all back, but it was tempered by Ace’s appearance. Gone was the wig and bacofoiled suit. The Ace that walked out of the _Wildfire_ looked remarkably like…himself.

“Kriters, old chap,” Ace greeted the mechanoid with a hug and clap on the shoulder.

If mechanoids could blush, Kryten’s cheeks could have warmed a planet for five years. “Mr. Ace, sir, it’s so good to see you again.”

Arnold couldn’t help his spine snapping to attention as Ace looked over to him. “Good of you to come, Ace,” he stated with the tiniest bit of hesitance. Something was not quite right with this Ace. “I wasn’t expecting you so quickly. We sent the signal not two hours ago.”

A flash of a smile appeared on Ace’s lips, but disappeared just as quickly, making Arnold nervous. “That’s two hours your time, Arnie. It’s been weeks since I received it and was able to locate your dimension.” Ace tossed his damnable hair back. “Hell of a time, but what else could I have done?”

Before Arnold could stop his smegging mouth, it snidely stated, “You could have ignored us.”

Ace eyed him, but Arnold held his gaze – for perhaps the first time in his life. It gave him an odd sense of equality with the space hero.

The smugness level of Ace’s reply was fairly low. “No can do, Arnie. It was a personal invitation; I could never ignore that.”

Feeling peculiar, Arnold loosened his stance. “All righty, then. Care for a walk?” Bracing for Ace’s thump of a back-clap, he was surprised at the gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Sure thing,” Ace smiled at him. Smiled. At _him_. Then Ace turned to the mechanoid. “Krytes, you don’t mind, do you? Arnie and I have some private to-do to discuss.” He tapped Kryten’s chest plate with the back of his hand. “I bet you’ve got some incredible, edible delights just waiting to be sampled.”

Kryten’s look of displeasure at being left out morphed into one of abject pleasure. “Of course, sir. I’ve been saving some herbs we picked up a few planetoids ago for a special occasion. I can’t think of a more special occasion than your return.” With a crazy attempt at a smile, Kryten lumbered back to the living area of _Red Dwarf,_ presumably to make a feast fit for a king or Captain.

Arnold couldn’t help but notice Ace’s hand still on his shoulder, but Ace seemed to have forgotten. He was looking up at the top of the bay, then around the recesses. “It’s good to see a _Dwarf_ again. She’s in far less dimensions than I’d like.”

“The others lost her to the nanobots, too?” Arnold asked, not particularly caring what the answer was. He was far more concerned about Ace’s hand on his shoulder, which tightened as Ace answered reverently:

“Some, yes. Others, she didn’t survive the Cadmium II blast. Others still, she was attacked by Simulant ships. It’s a great, big multiverse, Arnie. So many possibilities, all played out like those ancient Hollywood films.”

Reminiscing with yourself may sound like a barrel of laughs, but to Arnold, it was creepy. “Ah, yes,” he began as he crouched down enough to slip out from Ace’s grip, “Huge multiverse; got it.” He straightened and adjusted his shirt, nerves frayed for some reason. “Let’s see about that walk, shall we?” he announced before he turned and started out the landing bay doors.

His voice – not the affectation that was Ace – called to him, “Arn; wait.” He turned back and was startled to see Ace’s weary expression. “I’m not the Ace you think I am.”  
  
“It doesn’t really matter, does it? All of us come from the same Arnold Rimmer,” he reasoned, feeling anger start to build.

Ace pursed his lips into a thin line. “I suppose not, but I know what you’re going to ask of me and I’d rather tell you now that I can’t do it.”

Now Ace was a mind-reader on top of every other smegging thing he was good at? Arnold bristled at the other hologram’s assumption. “You do, do you? You know I’m going to call you a right selfish bastard for not taking Lister with you in the first place? You know that I spit on the ground you travel that you’d knowingly leave the last human being alive behind while you gallivant the multiverse? Really? You know that, do you?” he ranted, unable to stop the roll of anger that controlled him. “Then you also know I’m going to _demand_ that you to take him with you to another dimension.”

Arnold was breathing hard from his exertion, but a good look at Ace took the piss right out of him. He couldn’t stop the quick intake of breath at the heartbroken expression on the other man’s face. What the hell?

“I don’t blame you for being angry, Arn. You’re absolutely right; I was a selfish bastard to not think of taking Dave with me. So I tried to correct that error, once.” Ace jerked his head toward the _Wildfire_. “Come to the ship; I’ve got something to show you.”

Arnold didn’t like it. Something wasn’t right. A lifetime of cowardly, sniveling, protect-your-own-arse battled against the – let’s face it, relatively new – confidence he was cultivating. Warily, he followed Ace back to the ship without so much as a peep.

“Hiya, Rimmer,” a holographic Lister greeted him with a wave. “Ace told me to expect you.”

“He didn’t tell me to expect you,” Arnold finally stammered out, turning to Ace. “How is this helpful? He’s still dead. This doesn’t help anything.” That _something_ he felt was wrong intensified as Ace squeezed past him in the smallish space of the main area of the ship, to put his arm around Lister.

Arnold felt a touch light-headed and very much queasy.

Ace either didn’t notice or flat-out ignored Arnold’s unease, the sexually overcharged smeghead. “I had the same idea you did; only much later. I took Dave here out of Dimension 3198. The French were invading western England and his life was in danger.” Ace squeezed Lister’s shoulder and Lister looked up at him adoringly, further making Arnold’s head spin. “So we popped into the _Wildfire_ and activated the jump drive…” Arnold caught the glimmer of tears welling in Ace’s eyes before the other man dropped his gaze away from Lister. “He died in my arms before the jump was even complete. He was in such agony; I couldn’t stand it.”

Something short-circuited in Arnold’s brain as Lister turned Ace’s head and kissed him gently. “You didn’t know, luv.”

Ace clasped Lister’s hand and held it to his chest, and Arnold wished he were anywhere else than watching the disgusting display. He wondered if a hologram could die from insulin poisoning, not that Ace cared. He kept on blathering, “No one knew living tissue couldn’t survive the dimension jumps. The original human Ace, the one who first tested the ship, barely made it to the first dimension alive. The computer activated his hologram, and he initiated a protocol that does a full bioscan of anyone who sets foot on board, in case something like that ever happened again. I had Dave’s bioscan, so I knew I could bring him back as a hologram, if only I could increase the projection output to sustain two holograms. I searched dimensions until I found a way. We’ve been together since then.”

Finally, the swaggering space hero shut up, but Arnold’s mind was racing. Lister and Ace? Ace and Lister – together? His gag reflex nearly had him puking his non-existent guts onto the floor. It was madness. Sheer madness. “No. Absolutely not. You’ve gone space-happy, haven’t you? Contracted some psi disease? Scrambled your brains, didn’t you, because this isn’t…it isn’t….”

Lister dragged his gaze from Ace to study him. “It is, Rimmer. Why is it so hard to believe?”

Arnold squeezed his eyes shut, unwilling to see or hear any more. “ _No_. None of this is real. It’s all some horrible prank by Lister to get me to open up and share my feelings so he can use it against me later. I’m not falling for it again.” His sense of direction wasn’t hampered by his closed eyes; he fumbled his way to the steps leading away from the ship and that madness.

He chewed on a fingernail as he paced the observation deck; the furthest distance he could get from the landing bay. “It isn’t possible. It isn’t possible,” he repeated to himself. “They’ve gone mad; it’s the only explanation. There’s no way that…no.It isn’t possible.” On top of the insanity that Ace and the hologram Lister shared, Arnold’s hope of saving his Lister dashed against the rocks, was eaten by a shark and the shark was eaten by a whale. He was no better off than he’d been earlier that morning. “Bollocks,” he muttered.

“Rimmer, why’re you hiding out here?” Lister’s voice startled him so badly he reeled back into the windows.

Lister extended a hand to help him, but Arnold hissed, “Keep away from me!” and slid along the wall, further away from the other man.

With a downcast expression, Lister stuffed his hands into his jacket pockets. “What’s gotten into you, man? Kryten tells me you had him contact Ace. Why? What’s happened?”

“Nothing,” Arnold spat out frantically. “Nothing’s happened. Absolutely nothing at all’s happened. That’s what’s happened. Nothing. At all.”

“ _Nothing_ has got you pretty spooked,” Lister observed. “Was it seeing me as a hologram?”

Arnold’s mouth dropped open. “You saw him? Ace actually brought him out onto the ship?”

Lister shrugged. “I met him, but he can’t get out yet. The _Wildfire_ picked up some projection boosters a few dimensions back. It can sustain two holograms. Ace is helping Kryten install an extra booster onto the _Dwarf_ right now, so that Lister can walk around.”

“You can’t,” Arnold’s mouth ordered before his brain could stop it.

Lister’s eyebrows rose. “Why wouldn’t I? You called them here, Rimmer. It’s the least I can do.”

He couldn’t look Lister in the eye. He couldn’t do it. He stared at a deck plate and said, “I called _Ace_ here; I didn’t know about…him.”

“What have you got against me?”

Lister’s hurt tone twisted something inside him and he met Lister’s eyes. “I don’t have anything against you, smeghead,” he explained, exasperated. “It’s him.”

Lister’s eyes rolled upward and he sighed. “Are you still on about Ace not being you? I thought you’d be over that by now, seeing as you became him.”

“That’s _not_ me!” Arnold shouted and pointed toward the interior of the ship, roughly to the landing bay. “I died – _again_ – and that’s another Rimmer from some other dimension.”

Lister’s hands fell out of his pockets to dangle loosely at his sides. There were tears in his eyes as he said softly, “So my Rimmer is circling that planet with the other Ace’s light bees? He’s really gone this time?”

“ _I’m_ your Rimmer, you blind git!” he shouted in Lister’s face, fear bleeding the color out of his face. Had he just said that? If Lister’s stunned expression was to go by, yes. Yes, he had. Oh, smeg.

The dullness that had darkened Lister’s eyes seemed to lift as he whispered, “ _You’re_ me Rimmer?”

Arnold took two steps back and stammered, “Well, yes, if you go by astro-navigational standards and take into account the resurrection of the crew and subsequent death of myself once again, notwithstanding the connections with other dimmph.” The rest of his blabbering was cut off by Lister’s mouth on his.

Lister was kissing him.

Lister. Was. Kissing. Him.

And then he wasn’t.

Arnold grabbed hold of his chest, anticipating a heart attack. Then his brain scrambled to detect the threat of violence, but no punches were thrown. He opened one eye, then the other. No taunts. No teases. Just Lister, standing there, looking totally gobsmacked.

“Dunno why I did that.” Lister looked askance at him. “Why’d I do that?”

He flailed around for an explanation because his brain definitely wasn’t keeping up. “It’s that Lister,” he announced triumphantly with a snap of his fingers. “He’s corrupted you, somehow. He’s done something to Ace and me as well. He’s evil. We have to put him down.”

Lister’s brow creased in confusion. “Wait. Are you saying that Ace and that Lister are…?”

He couldn’t stop himself from sneering, “Porking the pig? Humping the hounds? Going at it like porcupines after ten thousand years apart and having their quills removed? I’m afraid so.”

Lister raised his hands in a placating gesture. “So, wait. Are you saying that Ace and that Lister…?”

He rolled his eyes upward. “Did you get struck by the thick wagon? They’re shagging, Lister. They are having perverted, unnatural, disgusting, grinding, sweaty, wild man-beast sex and I think you should do something about it.”

Lister came out of his daze, eyes blazing. “Do what? You want me to confront them about something they’re doing in the privacy of their own private lives?” He advanced on Arnold, who was backed into the windows without escape.

“Yes, if you wouldn’t mind terribly,” he suggested with a pained smile. Lister was very, very close, and his eyes were snapping with life the way they used to. Arnold blinked a few times, but the visage didn’t change. He could feel the life in Lister, like he hadn’t in years, and he should have been happy. That was what this was about, wasn’t it? Calling Ace there, moving Lister to another dimension so he wasn’t so alone? So why wasn’t he happy?

Lister pushed forward until their chests were touching. “You leave them alone, Arnold J. Rimmer, or I’ll give you what-for.”

Unable to breathe, Arnold merely nodded. It appeared to be enough for Lister, who, after giving him the eye for a few more seconds, backed off and left him on the observation deck. He sagged against the windows, confused and…

He looked down at his trousers. “Oh, dear God, no.”

Horny.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Arnold stayed hidden until dinnertime. While Kryten, Cat and Lister were being entertained by Ace recounting his adventures, he made his way to the _Wildfire_. Slipping inside, he came face to face with the holographic Lister.

“Back again, Rimmer? For answers this time, I assume,” Lister surmised, putting down the book he’d been reading.

Arnold hesitated. He’d thought of nothing else but what to ask this Lister, but everything fled his mind when he spotted the double-sized bed filling the back sleeping area. “So, you’re really sleeping together?” he squeaked out, his voice breaking in several spots.

Lister smiled as he shook his head. “It’s not so unheard-of, you know. Space gets lonely, even for holograms.”

Arnold breathed a bit easier. “So that’s it, then. Just a shag of relief.”

Lister folded his arms and his smile widened. “Sorry, mate. Me and him; it’s special.”

“I’m going to be sick,” Arnold declared before he sat down hard on a chair. He rested his head in his hands. “How… _why_ did this happen? I don’t even like you.”

“Don’t you?” Lister answered knowingly. “Why’d you call Ace? Wasn’t it to ask him to take your Lister to a dimension filled with people?”

Arnold lifted his head. “Yes, that’s it, exactly. How does that equate to bumping uglies?”

Lister was looking at him with something akin to melancholy. “You want him to be happy and you think that a universe full of people will do just that.”

“Yes.” Arnold relaxed, then tensed right back up as Lister retorted smugly, “You did it because you care for him.”

“That’s a filthy lie!” he declared hotly.

Lister leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and pinned him with a glare. “Why’d you really want to send Lister away? You’re still a bit too selfish for it to have been all for his good. What’s in it for you?”

Arnold couldn’t speak; couldn’t even admit it to himself.

“Oh, man, this is _really_ new to you.” Lister sounded entirely too sympathetic for Arnold’s liking. “You can’t stand watching him grow old and die. You’d rather him be away from you, than watch him wither to nothing. You don’t want to mourn him.”

Arnold’s silence spoke volumes, but he was unable to do anything else. He wrung his hands together and choked out, “I don’t have any choice now, do I? He can’t go with you.”

Lister’s hand covered his. “No, but he can stay with you.”

Arnold rocked to his feet, almost dislodging Lister from his chair. “ _No_. I’ll find a way to send him to another dimension. He can’t stay here!” He careened down the steps and out into the landing bay, belatedly realizing he had nowhere to run. Somewhere in front of him, Lister was laughing it up with Ace. Behind him, another Lister had answers he didn’t want to hear.

Defeated, Arnold returned to the _Wildfire_ , where Lister sat patiently. He sat opposite the other hologram and stated grimly, “How did it start?”

Lister’s laughter echoed in the tiny cabin and Arnold closed his eyes at the cherished memory. It’d been years since his Lister laughed like that.

“Like all things start, Rimmer. You got on each other’s nerves. You annoyed each other to the point of anger. You drove each other crazy. But that’s tempered now, hasn’t it? What you have now, it’s closer to an actual friendship.”

Arnold shifted uncomfortably. He despised talking about his feelings. “Maybe,” he admitted, flicking his gaze up to Lister’s shrewd look.

“So you’ve noticed Lister’s aging, right? Getting a bit up there in years, but it’s more a mental aging,” Lister coaxed. “Like he’s worn down by it all.”

Arnold nodded. That had been what he’d been witnessing.

“And you want to help him, but you don’t know how. The old arguments don’t have the same zip, if you can even get him to respond at all.” Lister’s tone was changing, becoming softer, more knowing. “Because you think that’s all you are, you decide to send him to another dimension, so he can be around people who can give him what you think you can’t.”

“I _can’t_ give him what he wants,” he exclaimed, frustrated.

Lister pushed, “How do you know? Have you asked him what he wants? If he wants to be sent away from you, Kryten and Cat?”

Arnold shook his head again in denial. “Why would he want to stay? What have we offered that would make him want to stay?”

Damn Lister’s persistence. “What about friendship?”

At that, he laughed humorlessly. “It hasn’t been enough, or else he’d be happy.”

Lister moved closer, again resting a hand on Arnold’s leg. “Why don’tcha just ask him what would make him happy?”

Arnold froze, staring down at the dark hand on his knee. He swallowed thickly. _This_ , he wanted to say. This was why he didn’t ask. The hand squeezed his knee, as if Lister understood what he wasn’t saying.

“Are you that afraid of it?” Lister asked quietly.

Knowing this wasn’t the real Lister, Arnold reached out a shaking hand and rested it over Lister’s. It was warm, the knuckles scratchy with scars from the bar fights Lister had been in. It had been over ten years since he’d touched another body, hologram or not, and he couldn’t stop his fingertips from wandering.

He abruptly stood up as he realized what he’d allowed himself. “I’m sorry. That was entirely inappropriate. I’m sorry,” he blurted and ran out the door, this time making it to the engine deck and collapsing against a wall.

He slid to the floor, thoughts racing. What had gotten into him? Had the touch of another really sent his brain into limbo? Maybe he was the one going space happy. He was lonely, as lonely as Lister was, but at least Lister had memories. He had four memories of sex, but with those memories came heartache he didn’t know how to process. The one good thing in his life, he’d given up for love; noble, brave, self-sacrificing, he’d left the holoship so Nirvanah could live.

Who was he to be brave, noble and self-sacrificing? That was Ace’s job.

And then, he knew. He knew why Ace had answered his call. “That smarmy bastard,” he cursed, well, himself.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=

When Ace returned to the ship, Arnold was waiting for him. “You’re a royal-class git, you know that? A truly original smeghead of the smeggiest proportions.”

When Ace smirked Arnold Rimmer’s patented all-knowing smirk, Arnold knew he had him. Ace’s voice was full of cocky attitude as he said, “So, you figured it out, have you, Arn?”

He stood up and faced Ace. “Don’t call me ‘Arn’, you weasely-faced git. You set me up!”

Ace raised his hands. “Guilty as charged. My only question is; did it work?”

“Did it work? Did it _work_?” Arnold threw his hands in the air and walked in a circle, unable to believe the gall of this other him. “Is that all you have to say for yourself? You throw me into an existential, sexual-leaning crisis and that’s all you care about? _Did it work_?” he fumed.

Ace’s smirk widened. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

He felt the veins at his temples throb with anger. “How can I face him, knowing what I know? He’ll see it all over my face, you know. I won’t have a minute’s peace until he finds out and then what?”

Ace shrugged in an annoying, furiously annoying way. “You’ll have great sex for days on end?”

Arnold waved an arm at Ace. “Yes, exactly, great sex for…what?” He stopped moving. Stopped everything as that realization sank in. “We’re going to have sex? Me and Lister?”

Ace’s smug voice penetrated his stunned daze. “I would hope that’s how it goes. I suppose you could try for a celibate relationship, but I wouldn’t know how those work.”

Arnold was so worked up, he could barely breathe. The walls were closing in on him and he felt a panic attack coming on. “Shut up, you goit. Can’t you see I’m in crisis?”

Ace slapped him. Actually slapped him. He held his cheek, shocked and a little afraid.

But there was no malice in Ace’s gaze; only pity. “Arn, you’re always in crisis. It’s always something with you. Why not take a breath, calm down and see what’s out there? Or rather, in here, since you don’t need to go out looking for what you need. It’s back there, in the living quarters.”

Arnold looked where Ace was pointing and felt the panic stick in his throat. “I can’t.”

Ace’s reassuring touch was on his shoulder. “Of course you can. You’ve got a little Ace in you; all the Rimmers do. It just takes special circumstances to sweat out the best in us.”

“You think this is the best of me?” he squeaked. “I’m a cowering, simpering goit who only cares about himself.”

“If you believed that, you wouldn’t have called me,” Ace reasoned, the bastard.

Arnold tried and failed to find a good counter-argument to Ace’s claim, but it was the truth. He groused, “Fine. I’ll go up to him, give him a big sloppy snog with extra lollygagging tongue, and when I come back with a black eye and a broken nose, you’ll see.”

“I’ll look forward to that,” Ace said gaily, then gave him a shove. “Off you go, Rocketman.”

Arnold shot him a glare, then turned back to the doors leading to the rest of the ship. With a deep breath, he started toward them, but just as he reached the control panel, he looked back. Ace had climbed through the ship’s doorway, Lister’s arms around him as the two of them kissed as though the world were ending.

Straightening himself into proper posture and ignoring the heat on his cheeks, Arnold punched in the code to open the doors, then went in search of his Lister.

“Are you busy?” Arnold asked as he stepped up to the window on the observation deck.

Lister was staring out into space, but his gaze was unfocused. Arnold watched as he shook himself back to wherever he’d been and offered Arnold a small smile. “Hey, man. Was just thinking.”

Old taunts reared their ugly heads, but Arnold pushed them aside. “About what?” he queried.

He saw a ghost of confusion on Lister’s expression, but it was wiped away at his words. “About Ace and the other me. Ace wouldn’t say outright, but I could tell, he cares for me a lot. Him, I mean,” Lister corrected hastily. “Cares for him.”

This was it. Arnold chewed on his lower lip, trying to rally his bravado into saying the words he knew would put them on the right path. To his chagrin, his mouth answered without his brain’s input. “I held Lister’s hand.”

Lister spun to face him directly, then glanced down at his hands. “You what?”

“It’s not my fault!” Arnold tried to backpedal. “He was being all understanding and knowing and just placed his hand on my knee. What else was I supposed to do?”

A hint of anger tinged Lister’s next words. “He had his hand on your knee?”

“Quite uninvited,” he was quick to point out. “I scarcely knew what to do.”

Lister’s eyes darkened along with his tone. “I doubt that, seeing as you grabbed his hand.”

“It’s not like that!” Arnold protested, searching his brain for any sort of defense. “I hadn’t touched anyone in ten years. I couldn’t help myself.”

“Was it him?” Lister accused.

Arnold’s brain couldn’t keep up. Panic was swirling too thick and fast. “What?”  
  
“Was. It. _Him_? Could it have been anyone?”

Lister was advancing and Arnold retreated, back to the wall once again. “Anyone, really. Didn’t matter that it was you,” he blathered. “Had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that it was you.”

“Nothing, eh?” Lister said as he flicked his gaze down, then back up to Arnold’s eyes. “So why’re you trying to get away from me, and why’s that boner about to split your pants?”

Arnold squeaked and shifted his hands between them, attempting to block his erection from Lister’s…oh. Oh. His eyes closed as the backs of his hands rubbed along Lister’s pants, where his erection was distorting them. He pushed gently and Lister’s hips pushed back. He whimpered as Lister’s head fell to resting on his chest.

“What’s happening to me, Rimmer?” Lister questioned softly. “Why do I want to rub butter cream icing all over you and take a few days licking it off?”

“Probably the same reason I’d let you,” Arnold answered thickly before he could stop himself. “We’re alone, lonely and haven’t had sex with anyone else in over ten years.”

He felt Lister rubbing his head against this chest, the hair tickling his throat and had to bite back a giggle. Despite everything, he felt giddy. Yes, he could admit it; giddy.

“You’re giddy?” Lister questioned slyly as he tilted his head back.

Arnold bit back a rather undignified moan as he caught the flirtatiously coy look Lister was giving him. “I said that aloud, did I? Well, it’s not like…” he sucked in a breath as Lister pushed his hips forward again, so that Arnold was cupping his own erection. “I’m not going to be able to stand much longer,” he rasped.

“We’re just getting started,” Lister murmured in his ear, then bit his earlobe.

Arnold knew he was spouting gibberish, but it didn’t seem to matter to Lister, who had finally – finally – put his hands on Arnold’s body and was pulling him closer. Good thing, too, as Arnold’s legs gave out on him about then.

“Whoa, Rimmer, take it easy,” Lister muttered in his other ear, dragging his tongue along the skin just beneath his ear.

“I can scarcely take it easy while you’re molesting my ear, now can I?” he replied shakily. Lister was holding him upright, between his body and the wall, heat and cold, giving and solid. “Are we really going to do this here?”

Lister pulled back to level him with his gaze. “If you say one more word, Rimmer, I’ll chuck your light-bee out the airlock. Clear?”

Dejected, he nodded and waited to be released. He knew it was all too good to be true. Nothing ever – he groaned high and long as Lister shoved his hands aside and ground their erections together. He tried to clamp his mouth shut, but Lister’s tongue had other ideas, and soon they were tangling tongues, clothes, hands and any other body part that kept getting in the way.

The floor was hard, but he didn’t care. Lister’s weight was heavy, pushing him further into the deck plating, but he didn’t care. As Lister’s dreadlocks dragged down his arm, he wrapped his fist around them and used it to guide Lister’s mouth back to his, nails of his other hand raking down Lister’s clothes-free back. He spotted the jacket to his right when they rolled over, but gave no more thought to Lister’s clothes; he was concerned with his own.

“Get rid of them,” Lister was whining, but Arnold couldn’t concentrate enough to erase them.

“I’m too bloody distracted,” he hissed back, trying and failing once again to will away his pants.

“Ask Holly,” Lister panted beneath him.

“I can’t do that!” His panic was back. “He’ll know what we’re doing.”

“He probably knows already,” Lister mused as he bit at Arnold’s neck. “Now get rid of ‘em before I go stark raving mad.”

“Holly, remove all my clothes,” Arnold announced to the air. “Holly, NOW!” he yelled, and suddenly, gloriously, he was naked on top of an equally naked Lister. They shared matching grins.

Pink highlighted Arnold’s cheeks as he admitted, “If I last a minute, it’ll be a miracle.”

“You think I’ll be any better?” Lister retorted as he arched his back. “It’s been ten fucking _years_ ,” he panted.

“Right-o.” Arnold pushed aside his own embarrassment and set to work making Lister writhe beneath him. It was easy; he just had to touch him. Everywhere and anywhere, touch was their single biggest turn-on.

Arnold reveled in the contrasting dark-light of their skin, amazed how Lister seemed to smell faintly of curry, even though they hadn’t had any in years. The roughness of skin on the few scars Lister had from fights, the smoothness of his belly, and a pinch to the pudgy handlebars that begged for it.

“Hey!” Lister protested, but didn’t seem all that concerned as he traced hands up and over Arnold’s back, nails digging in and making him hiss. “You can feel that?”

“Y-yes,” Arnold replied heavily. “All of it.”

Lister’s grin was wicked, and before Arnold knew it, he was on his back as Lister bit and licked his way down his torso. Lister’s tongue darted into his belly button, causing him to squirm. “That tickles!”

“What about this?” was the only warning Arnold had before Lister licked the crown of his penis.

“Sweet science fairaroony!” he shouted, startled and embarrassed, shoving Lister off of him.

“What’re you doing now, Rimmer?” Lister whined as he cupped his own cock.

“Have you done this before? I know I haven’t,” Arnold stated over the pounding of his heart.

Lister looked uncertain. “Well, no, but I figure it’s the same, innit? Sex is sex.”

“I don’t have the same bits as a woman, in case you hadn’t noticed!” Arnold fumed.

“I know. Hey, I know,” Lister soothed him with his voice and the hand that rested on his upper thigh. “Kind of a hard thing to miss, you know?”

“Definitely hard,” Arnold rumbled under his breath.

“I’ll take care of you, Rimmer. Promise,” Lister whispered as his hand shifted to Arnold’s cock.

Hesitantly, Arnold fell back to the floor, dragging Lister on top of him. “Just…slowly, okay?” he asked, eyes imploring.

He didn’t know what to make of Lister’s confused stare that twisted to anger. “You think I’m going to…? We’re not going to try anything that complicated first thing. Mutual gratification is all I’m after, you smeghead.”

Most – okay, some – of the fear drained out of Arnold at that. He offered up a small, penitent grin to distract Lister from his hand wrapping around the other man’s cock. The dance once again engaged, they rutted and stroked, kissed and slurped – yes, slurped – their way to climax not a minute later. Less than that, but who was counting?

“You’re going to have deck plate marks on your side,” Arnold commented as he lazily stroked along Lister’s arm.

“You smegger – you won’t have a mark on you, will ya?” Lister teased, but there was an undertone of regret.

His eyes widened as he regarded Lister. “You want to mark me?”

“Not permanently or anything, but some of the fun of sex is seeing the marks later.” Lister wagged his eyebrows and Arnold chuckled.

“I’ll look into that possibility,” he said, and was mildly surprised to learn he meant it.

So was Lister, apparently. “You’d do that?”

He shrugged. “Why not? It’s not like anyone else will care.” He was rewarded with a deep, probing kiss that led to another round of stroke and rub, leaving them gasping on the floor.

“Next time, bed,” Arnold panted from beneath the increasing weight of an almost-asleep Lister.

“Be’goo’,” Lister mumbled against his chest, then fell asleep.

“Great smegging hell,” Arnold grumbled, even as he arranged Lister’s dreads properly along his back.

When Lister woke up with help from Arnold’s prodding, Lister dressed and Arnold stayed naked.

“Holly, I’d like to get dressed now.” He remained naked.

“I think Holly knows,” Lister lamented as he retrieved his scattered clothes.

Arnold was too busy being angry to feel much disgust at Lister wiping himself off with his shirt. “Oh, this is perfect. I’m being manipulated by an insane computer,” he snapped. He held out his hand to Lister. “Give me your jacket.”

“You’re not putting my jacket around your naked bits,” Lister warned, holding the jacket out of Arnold’s reach.

“You’re perfectly okay with cleaning yourself with your own shirt, but won’t let me - a hologram who can’t possibly _do_ anything to it – touch your precious jacket?” He wrinkled his nose in disgust and crossed his arms.

As he seethed, he realized Lister wasn’t looking at him. Well, he _was_ , just not at his face. “Um, Rimmer, you seem to be…ah, happy to see me. Again.”

Arnold wanted to punch that smug grin right off of Lister’s face, but embarrassment won out over anger. He attempted to cover his errant bits. “It’s cold in here.”

“Cold makes it smaller, not larger,” Lister reminded him with a naughty grin.

The damn art-school dropout was enjoying this! Arnold felt his cheeks heat with shame. “This isn’t funny. It’s degrading.”

“You see me laughing?” Lister asked, dead serious. Smegging hell. Lister advanced on him, backing him to the windows again. “Holly, either give Rimmer back his clothes, or I’ll suck him off this time, I swear.”  The prospect looked inviting to Lister and Arnold couldn’t bite back a groan of anticipation.

When no clothes were forthcoming, Lister shrugged and dropped to his knees.

Arnold tried to salvage some of his pride. “Lister, you don’t have to…ohmyshiningstars.” His eyes rolled back in his head as Lister’s warm, wet mouth sucked in the head of his cock. As his hands scrabbled to hold onto Lister’s head, Lister’s hands intercepted and held them at his sides. Trapped between mouth and hands, Arnold had no choice but to completely surrender to the pleasure that was coursing through him.

On a rough thrust forward, Lister coughed and released him. “I’m sorry,” Arnold apologized profusely. Lister waved a hand as the coughing fit passed. “Just a bit too rough; try to keep your hips still. I’m not used to this,” Lister admitted with a wry grin.

“You don’t have to,” Arnold stated quietly. “I mean it.”

“I want to,” Lister answered, eyes locking with his. “And I mean it, too.”

Taking a steadying breath, Arnold nodded and braced his legs. He watched as Lister’s hand wrapped around the base of his cock; felt the slight calluses from guitar playing on the pads of his fingers. His sight unfocused as Lister’s mouth once again covered the crown of his cock. He was shaking with the effort not to thrust, but then Lister licked up the underside and he couldn’t help it; he thrust and came.

When he was able to focus again, he found Lister still kneeling, but looking as though something greatly disturbed him.

“What?” he demanded sharply. “What’s wrong?” Fear began to take root. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No, I don’t think so, anyway,” Lister finally replied, tilting his head curiously. “It’s just…it vanished.”

Lister wasn’t making a lick of sense. “What vanished?”

Lister waved at Arnold’s groinal area. “I felt you come. Then…nothing happened.”

Arnold felt his cheeks warm. “Ah, yes, about that. Hologram, remember, Listy? I’m not real flesh and blood; I’m light. So if a part of me gets…separated, it sort of just, vanishes.”

Lister sucked on his lower lip and nodded. “Neat trick. No cleaning up to do. That’ll be handy.” He shrugged and didn’t seem concerned, so Arnold breathed a bit easier.

“ _Now_ can I have my clothes, Holly?” he asked the air nicely, and they appeared.

He offered Lister a hand up and once he’d pulled the other man to his feet, he couldn’t stop looking into Lister’s eyes. They were alive again; flirty, soft, satiated. “You look happy,” he said softly.

“I am,” Lister replied, sounding surprised at the realization. “So, should I thank you?”

“That the best way you can think of to thank a guy?” he replied, pulling Lister into his arms in what he thought was an impressive Ace move.

Before he could kiss him, Lister carefully extracted himself from Arnold’s embrace. “Oh, I’ll thank you, Rimmer. I’ll _thank_ you and _thank_ you and _thank you_ so hard you’ll go cross-eyed…” he taunted with a cheeky grin, backing away and then taking off at a run toward the living area of the ship.

“Oi!” Arnold called after him, but before he could take off after Lister, he had to adjust himself first. Damn smeghead got him hot and bothered and just left him. He’d show Lister, once he caught him up. 

=-=-=-=-=-=

Arnold stared at the bottom of the top bunk, sheets pulled to mid-chest. Above him, asleep on the top bunk, was Lister. They’d had one more round of tug and rub before Lister slipped out of Arnold’s bunk and climbed up into his own.

That was six hours ago and it was nearly breakfast-time. Kryten would be in soon to collect Lister, and the Cat would be in shortly after to check himself in the mirror. Lister’s snores were altering to his almost awake-state, and Arnold dreaded the moment when Lister came down the ladder and ignored him.

His heart fell as he watched Lister’s sock-clad feet descend the ladder and walk over to the sink. Lister brushed his teeth and rinsed his mouth without a word spoken, and Arnold had half a mind to ask Holly to turn him off, so he wouldn’t have to face the rejection.

He slammed his eyes shut as Lister turned toward the bunks. He ignored Lister’s softly-called, “Rimmer?” He ignored the dip next to him on the bunk. He couldn’t ignore the minty taste of Lister’s kiss. Like a starving man, he pulled Lister down and gave him a big sloppy snog with extra lollygagging tongue.

He released Lister when he heard Kryten’s gasp and wail. His eyes widened at having been caught out, but damn Lister and his easy-going nature.

With a deliriously sappy grin, Lister turned to the mechanoid and said, “Morning, Kryten. Breakfast ready? I’m starving.”

Arnold couldn’t tell if Kryten was ready to cry, run, or both. He could sympathize.

“Yes,” Kryten squeaked, hands fluttering about. “I’ll be in the kitchen,” he added, and disappeared through the door so fast, Arnold expected to see tracks on the floor.

“Hey.” Lister’s soft call drew his attention. “Looks like you don’t regret last night.”

Arnold chewed his lower lip, then took a deep breath. “No, I don’t. You?”

Lister clasped his folded hands between his knees. “Nah. I can’t regret anything that felt that good.”

Lister pushed his thigh into Arnold’s side, like a schoolboy flirting with the new girl in school. It made Arnold feel particularly out of sorts. It was the excuse he gave himself as his mouth asked, again without input from his brain, “So you wouldn’t object to us doing that again? Having sex, I mean.”

Lister pursed his lips together and shook his head. “Nope; no objections.”

Now Arnold’s indignation flared. “So why sneak out and into your own bed last night? I’m good enough to shag, but not be seen in bed with?”

“Rimmer, our bunks aren’t meant for two people to sleep in,” Lister explained with a fond look that threw Arnold. “We’d have been cramped and unable to sleep most of the night. We can look for a couples quarters later today.”

“Couples quarters?” Arnold tried to wrap his mind around that. “We need couples quarters?”

Lister leaned down to give him a quick peck. “Bigger beds, Rimmer. Big, wide beds with plenty of room for shagging _and_ sleeping.”

“Oh,” was all his mind was capable of producing. He’d gone from wanting to help Lister, to giving him a hand, as it were, in the span of a day. He had far too much to process, but from the look in Lister’s eye, he wouldn’t get much alone time in the near future.

The hungry look dissipated from Lister’s eyes, replaced with understanding. “I’ll leave you to whatever it is you need to do,” he said as he ran a finger along Arnold’s hairline reverently. “You let me know when you’re ready to go look for bigger quarters.”

With that, Arnold was alone in their quarters, staring after Lister’s retreating back, wondering at the odd turns of his life.

He wandered the ship for some time, lost in his thoughts.

=-=-=-=-=-=

As odd as it was to see Ace and a holographic Lister, it was equally odd saying goodbye to them. They’d stayed on the ship six days, enough time to get the new projection unit running, share some wild tales, and - Arnold knew, though he didn’t say a word – for Ace and his holographic Lister to make good use of an officer’s spacious quarters.

It wasn’t as though Arnold had a lot of time, himself. After his walkabout, he’d come to the conclusion that sex with Lister was more than a satisfactory answer to his initial problem of how to make Lister happy again. The added bonus was, of course, that it made him happy, too. It wasn’t purely sex, either; it was the touching, feeling, tasting,  stroking…

He closed his eyes and concentrated on cold showers, willing his body under control. Hologram or not, he was still susceptible to unwanted erections at improper times, like this one. He was supposed to be working up the courage to thank Ace and Lister for their help, but how do you thank yourself for helping yourself get shagged? He could sense his Lister having the same internal struggle next to him, and did something he never would have done before: he reached out and laced his fingers through Lister’s.

Lister squeezed back, and he rocked on his heels a bit, smugly reassured.

Ace strode up to them, his Lister off saying his goodbyes to Kryten and Cat. “Well, Skipper; Arns; it looks like this is it.”

“Yes, indeedy,” Arnold replied, still unsure what he was going to say.

“Thanks, man,” Lister answered for them both. “We wouldn’t have…y’know…if it weren’t for you and…” Lister frowned at his holographic counterpart, “Me. Anyway; thanks for giving us a kick in the pants.”

“Not necessary,” Ace waved off the thanks. “One in three dimensions have us together. We just helped you two down the path you were already on.”

“One in three?” Arnold blinked at that. “What about the other two-thirds? Who are we with?”

Ace leveled him with a glare. “Do you really want to know, Arn?”

Lister gripped his hand – hard – and he shook his head. “No, not really,” he hastily assured his Lister. He gave Lister a half-hearted smile, so wasn’t looking as Ace grabbed him up in a one-armed hug. He lost his grip on Lister’s hand in order to keep himself upright, then gasped as Ace kissed him.

It was the wrong thing to do. As soon as his lips parted, Ace’s tongue took up residence in his mouth. He struggled for a few seconds, then clutched at the other man as Ace pushed his fingertips at a spot on his neck that had his knees turn to jelly in an instant. He shouldn’t be as turned on as he was – he was kissing himself, damn it! – but Ace was playing him like a Stradivarius and hitting notes he didn’t know his body was capable of.

When he was finally released from the hell – sheer hell – of being kissed by Ace Rimmer, Space Corps Test Pilot, he imagined a rather stupid, loopy grin on his face. He staggered into Lister’s arms, thankfully at the ready to hold him up. “You should really, really should, kiss him,” he insisted.

“Nah, I’d rather kiss you,” Lister assured him, eyes dark with hunger and promise. “That show was for me, you know.”

“Was it? How nice.” Arnold leaned down and bit Lister’s earlobe. “Can we go shag now?” he whispered as he nuzzled at Lister’s neck.

“In a minute,” Lister hissed, but his voice was shaky. Arnold grinned against his neck. Lister was turned on as much as he was. A splash of cold water was dumped on his erection, however, as Lister reminded him, “We’re saying goodbye to Lister and Ace; for good this time. I don’t think they’re planning on coming back.”

The holographic Lister walked up, took in Arnold’s rather dazed condition and shot Ace a dark look. “You didn’t.”

Ace looked a bit pink in the cheeks and Arnold grinned. He’d thought he was the only Rimmer who blushed.

Lister grabbed the front of Ace’s jacket. “You know how jealous I get,” the holographic Lister hissed. “We’re going to have a nice, long _talk_ when we’re spaceborne.”

“And that’s why I do it, luv,” Ace replied quietly with a wicked grin that Arnold really wanted to copy. Ace straightened and addressed the _Red Dwarf_ crew. “It’s been a blast, but we have to dash. Other dimensions need saving and I’m the man for the job.” Ace walked over to Kryten and Cat to share his goodbyes, while the holographic Lister shook his head.

“Be grateful yours isn’t that bad,” holographic Lister jabbed a thumb backwards at Ace.

“Hey! I’m not his,” Arnold interjected as he shook Lister, who was still mostly supporting him. His legs were still a bit weak from Ace’s suction attack and he really didn’t mind Lister’s accidental groping of his arse, accidental or not.

His Lister shook with repressed laughter. “Yeah, man, I like mine just the way he is.” Lister braved removing one arm from around Arnold and shook the holographic Lister’s hand. “Take care of yourself.”

Holographic Lister gave a mock salute and a wink, then climbed the steps to the _Wildfire_ , where Ace was waiting. “Smoke me a kipper lads; I’ll be back for breakfast.”

Arnold watched the _Wildfire_ lift off, then leave the landing bay, with a growing heaviness in his chest. His grip tightened on Lister, a vague sense of unease creeping into his mind. What happened now?

Apparently what happened now, he thought dazedly, was that Lister tried his damnedest to suck his tonsils out. He dimly heard a wail that might have Kryten, might have been Cat, could have been an Emohawk for all he cared. He was too engrossed in what Lister was doing with his tongue.

When Lister disengaged his Hooveresque mouth, Arnold licked his lips and announced, “I’m ready for a bigger bed.”

=-=-=-=-=-=

“I know it’s not regulation or even necessary, but I’d like to do it, okay?” Arnold stated for the third time to Holly. He’d had the idea a week after his and Lister’s first (and second and third) sexual encounter on the observation deck. The ensuing two weeks had been…trying. He never again wanted to be at Holly’s mercy for his clothes coming off.

“It’s not part of the holographic programming,” Holly replied. “It’s an unnecessary request.”

“It’s necessary to me,” Arnold yelled, slamming his fist onto the console. “Find a way to reprogram my clothes so that I can take them off. If you can redress me at whim, then it shouldn’t be that hard to do.”

“I’d need senior clearance code to make the programming adjustments,” Holly replied finally, and Arnold swore he’d said it with smug upperhandedness.

He replied with equally smug upperhandedness. “I’m senior rank person on board ship, whether you like or acknowledge it. Authorization Rimmer 55203 Gamma. Reprogram the holographic interface.”

“Fine,” Holly huffed, then vanished.

A day later, Arnold entered their new quarters with a huge grin. “Oh, Liiiiisty,” he sing-songed as he dropped onto the bed.

Lister groaned and pulled the covers over his head. “Look man, I’m only human. I need me rest.”

“What if I told you,” he murmured as he slid next to Lister in bed, “That I coerced Holly into reprogramming me, so you can take off my clothes?” He slowly dragged the covers down, revealing a look he knew all too well on Lister’s face.

“You’re joking.”

“I never, ever joke about sex. Ever,” he replied seriously. “Go on; try.” He held out his arm.

Lister pushed at his sleeve and it rode up his arm. It didn’t feel the same as fabric, but it was the sliding sensation that heightened his senses; that’s what he’d wanted.

Eyes alight with intrigue, Lister sat up and pushed the jacket off Arnold’s shoulders, which vanished as soon as it lost contact with the hologram. “Oh, this is gonna be fun.”

Arnold couldn’t have agreed more.

=-=-=-=-=-=

Several months later, he was back arguing with Holly.

“I don’t care,” he stated again. “Cross-reference with the medical records and make me more realistic. I want to feel it when I get slapped; I want a bruise to form if I get punched. The guidelines for duration of wound and healing process are in the medical records. It won’t be that hard.”

“This isn’t natural,” Holly whined.

“I’m dead, you gimboid; there’s nothing natural about me,” he raged. “I want to be more realistic; that’s the point of all of this.” No, it wasn’t; not really. He hadn’t forgotten his and Lister’s discussion on the observation deck about marks made during sex, and how Lister wanted to see them on him. Well, he was finally willing to take on Holly to get it done.

“I know why you want it,” Holly finally admitted.

Arnold pushed his face as close to the monitor as he could. “This isn’t for me; it’s for Lister. It’s what he wants. You’ll do it for him.” It wasn’t fair to use Holly like this, but he wanted to see Lister’s sucking bruises on his neck, too. It wasn’t fair to feel and enjoy it, but not have any evidence of it.

It took a week for the programming to be complete. The test he’d done was minor, but effective. An elbow into the wall had left a rather good bruise that healed in two days. When they settled for the night, he turned round in Lister’s arms and kissed him. “I had the reprogramming done.”

“What’ssat?” Lister mumbled, half-asleep.

Arnold kissed his jaw, working his way down Lister’s neck, pausing to suck at a bit of skin and worry it between his teeth. Lister groaned and grabbed the back of his head, aligning their mouths to kiss. When Lister bit his lower lip, Arnold hissed as a bit of blood welled.

Lister stared at him in shock. “What’s this?” He wiped the blood with his thumb, staring first at it, then Arnold’s lip.

He saw the change in Lister just before his mouth was attacked; he gave as good as he got. Licking, biting and sucking had never felt better; made him feel more alive. As he sucked a bruise on Lister’s abdomen, he felt Lister’s teeth at his upper thigh. He gasped as they slipped into their nose-to-groin position, taking what he could of Lister’s cock into his mouth. It wasn’t much; he’d had a terrible gag reflex when alive that translated over to his hologramatic self, and Lister was adamant that he not change it.

Wrapping one hand around the base of Lister’s cock, Arnold sucked and licked in between gasps of pleasure as Lister ministrated to his own cock. Arnold was still a quick come, no amount of sex seemed to help that, but he was able to bring Lister with him after a few minutes. His head rested on Lister’s thigh; Lister’s hand was still clenched around his thigh. He’d have bruises from that grip. He smiled.

=-=-=-=-=-=

His life went swimmingly for a good twenty years; longer than he thought possible. He and Dave…

He stared out the observation deck windows, looking at the emptiness surrounding him. How was he to know, all those millions of years ago, that his death would be the best thing that happened to him?

“Rimmer?” Dave’s voice pulled him back to the present, and he offered the other man a small, wan smile.

“Listy.”

Dave drew up beside him, his expression downcast. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what there is _to_ say.” He shrugged helplessly. “’I’m sorry’ don’t seem right.”

Arnold snapped his gaze back out to the stars, unable to look at Dave a single second more. “No, it doesn’t,” he answered quietly. He tightened his arms around himself, not quite ready to touch Dave; not just yet. He hadn’t had time to properly mourn, and here Dave was, shining ‘H’ on his forehead.

A tear tracked its way down his cheek, thankfully where Dave couldn’t see it. “I’d like to be alone for awhile, if you don’t mind,” he said as steadily as he could.

He sensed Dave reach out, intending to touch his arm. His entire body tensed up in dread, but Dave’s hand hovered in the air, then fell away.

“I’ll leave you to it, then.”

He waited until he was sure Dave was out of earshot, then waited a bit more before he leaned his forehead against the cold window. The contrast of cold against his heated skin was too much; he let loose with great, wracking sobs, something he hadn’t done since he was a young lad.

His mind couldn’t reconcile the virile, younger man who’d just left with the bedside vigils he’d endured the past few months as he watched Dave’s mind waste away. Some virus or disease – Arnold hadn’t much cared to listen beyond “terminal” – picked up on a planetoid years ago, lying dormant, Kryten had said.

Arnold had watched with ever deepening fear and dread as each week, Dave had seemed to retreat further into himself. Any sexual thought had been obliterated from Arnold’s mind, and even touching to offer comfort seemed wrong. Not only had he been losing his lover, he’d been losing his best friend.

It had taken the Cat first, though he was well into his aged years for a cat to begin with. Cat had refused to stay in the medibay, not that Kryten had much luck with identifying an antidote. They’d found Cat curled up asleep at Dave’s feet more often than not, so they hadn’t worried about him wandering the ship.

Then one day, Cat had hitched himself up to rest his head and left hand on Dave’s thigh, had closed his eyes and that was it. He was gone.

Arnold had shoved his fist against his mouth in an effort to keep Dave from seeing him fall apart. Not that it would have made much of a difference. Dave hadn’t called him by name in almost three months. Arnold had been damn happy to get the friendly, trusting smile Dave bestowed on him until even that vanished a few weeks ago. Staring down at Dave’s vacant expression had shattered his heart.

Watching a loved one – your only loved one – quickly degenerate into a babbling, drooling equivalent of a two-month old baby…well. It wasn’t something you forgot or got over right away. Arnold wasn’t sure if he’d ever get over it. He knew he’d never forget, but thankfully, with a bit of deception, Dave would never remember.  
  
He knew Dave suspected something was amiss. He had gaps in his memory that Arnold had erased from the databanks before he’d uploaded Dave’s holo-disc. Dave wouldn’t remember his actual death and Arnold was glad. He’d hated remembering his own pathetic death and last words. What cruel programmer initiates a hologram with the memory of their death the first thing they recall?

He wiped his cheeks with the heel of his hand, hating the warm wetness he found. Hated the weakness he felt; hated it more that he couldn’t hide it. A handkerchief appeared in his right hand and he stared at it dully. “Thanks, Hol,” he murmured to the air, setting himself to rights. He held the soggy bit of cloth in his upturned palm so Holly could dispose of it.

He caught his reflection in the window and grimaced. Red nose and eyes, blotchy skin; he looked terrible. Without his asking, Holly returned him to his default projection. Steeling himself, he made his way back to their quarters, where he was sure Dave would be waiting for an explanation.

He stumbled over his own feet as he caught sight of Dave, lounging in their bed, stark naked.

“I get the feeling that I wasn’t right, there at the end, but I’m not going to push you about it. Not right away,” Dave amended with his old cheeky grin, which faded to a burning need so quickly it caused Arnold to suck in a breath. “I’m not quite the 25-year old strapping guy I used to be, but this isn’t bad.” Dave locked gazes with him as his hand traveled down his torso, over the slight pudge of a mid-30s man who loved lager and hated exercise. It came to a stop on his abdomen, fingertips grazing his half-awake cock.

“Alls I want is for you to make love to me in our bed, Arn.”

Not even a nanosecond went by before he yelled, “Holly, strip, _now_ ,” and bless Holly’s insane circuits, Arnold was naked before he crawled onto the bed next to Dave. He licked and nibbled and sucked every patch of skin he could reach, and fondled what he couldn’t. He’d been almost a year without this and didn’t waste any time relearning every spot that made Dave sigh, scream and come.

His desperation didn’t go unnoticed. Dave employed the tricks that Ace had taught him so early in their relationship, as well as a few of his own discoveries: the spot behind and down from his ear that turned his holo-bones to jelly. A thumb pressed to the crease of his thigh at the hip that caused his back to arch. A scratch of nails along the small of his back combined with a tongue tapping just. That. Spot on his cock that made him see stars as he came _hard_.

As Dave crawled back up his body, taking licking and sucking stops along the way, he shivered. And kept shivering.

“Hey, hey,” Dave soothed, planting small kisses on his neck and chin. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

He crushed Dave against his chest as his lips blindly sought his lover’s mouth. Dave met him halfway and Arnold drank of his taste. He started to laugh as he picked up the faintest tinge of curry.

“Oi! Laughing as a guy’s kissing you isn’t exactly ego-boosting,” Dave glowered.

“You taste the same,” Arnold said by way of explanation. “Curry must be part of your DNA.”

He could see Dave immediately swirl his tongue around his own mouth, trying to get a taste, and he laughed again. “You git! You probably can’t taste it on yourself.” His laughter faded as the enormity of everything began to truly sink in. Dave was dead, just like him. His eyes drifted up to the ‘H’ that was now permanently a part of Dave and felt his insides twist. He reached up and traced it, noticing that Dave’s eyes drifted close. “Can you feel it?”

“Just like you touching me,” Dave murmured with a faint smile. His eyes opened, playful and dark with promise. “I love you, you smeghead.”

His voice trembled as he whispered, “Say it again.”

“What? Smeghead?” Dave teased. “I’ve called you that enough to last a hundred lifetimes.”

Arnold felt tears well in his eyes and wiped them away hastily, disgusted with himself. “You didn’t watch you die,” he explained away his teary nonsense. “You were dead yesterday and now you’re back, fitter than before.” He shook his head. “I _knew_ you were coming back, but maybe some part of me thought you wouldn’t feel the same after your reinstatement.”

Dave dropped all pretense as he laced their fingers together and held on tight. “Hey; hey. I’m only joking. You _know_ I love you, right?”  
  
He met and held Dave’s gaze. “I hate when you drool on me after you’ve fallen asleep on my chest.” He saw Dave’s mouth curl up in a fond smile, because he was well-versed in Arnold’s little speech to him. He’d heard a variation of it at least once a week for the last twenty years. “I hate the tender looks you give me after I’ve sucked you off. I hate the smug way you know exactly where to press on my body to make me scream. I hate that the only way you can fall asleep is to scrunch up against me.” His voice grew almost too shaky to be understood, but Dave knew. He knew that Arnold could never voice how he felt and that this was the best he could do.

He cupped Dave’s face to stop it from wavering, not realizing that it was his own tears that made him blurry. “I hate you with every speck of light that makes me. I’ve hated you for the past twenty-odd years and I’ll probably go on hating you for the rest of eternity.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “If that’s okay with you, Dave.”

Tears were shining in Dave’s eyes as he replied hoarsely, “Yeah, Arn, that’s perfect.”

The End


End file.
